i'm currently working through all of my old GTP blogs, a month at a time. Anything I find worthy, I will post up here. This one made me chuckle. Enjoy!
I'll start today with a little news article, inspired by a board (bored?) post yesterday, where I said "achievement points will be the death of me..."
LOCAL BERK DEAD IN ACHIEVEMENT POINT FRENZY
Local idiot, Anthony Burdis, was last night tragically stabbed to death by what appears to be Xbox 360 achievement points. We understand that these addictive little buggers are lavished upon those stupid enough to play games for hours on end, just to hear the glorious "popping" sound when unlocked. Under the gamertag "BuckshotGeorge" (believed to be a homo-erotic homage to Saint George, Patron Saint of achievement points), Mr Burdis went about his daily business clocking up points like they were going out of fashion. Today, he played such guff as Surf's Up, Shrek the 3rd, King Kong, NBA2K6, and a variety of other titles giving out the points quick and fast. Unfortunately, after receiving 700 points in 7 hours after playing his 7th game of the evening, the amount of number 7's involved turned on the gaming fool, and being made of particularly sharp edges, shot at him in what has been described as "a frenzied, and numeric attack". It is understood that he mumbled the words "F*ckin Huey" before drifting away.....
Now that is a way to go out!!!
How can scientists put men on the moon, but they cannot make a toothpaste which protects your teeth for months at a time, thus cutting out the twice daily burden of brushing ones choppers???
If a man worked on the moon, would he be on permanent nightshift?
If I got a job as a pool cleaner, would I literally be out of my depth?
If people play fantasy games, and watch fantasy films, to escape from reality, what do people who watch reality TV escape from?
BuckshotGeorge factworld - I have always said that at my funeral, instead of being in a coffin, I would like to be strung up in front of the hearse, in what would be the world's largest, and possibly most macabre, puppet show that ever existed!
Some might see these reposts as lazy, I like to think of it as a tribute to my memories.
Sunday 1 August 2010
Old News...with BuckshotGeorge!!!
I have been in full-time work with the same employer for over 11 years. I started as a receptionist/admin assistant. For a young lad, the money was good and it certainly wasn't too stretching. It gave me time to write a few things. I would email them to my friends for their amusement. And just to be clear, in case anyone from my work reads this, they were all done during my lunch break (NOT when it was boring on reception).
One thing I worked on was called "The Book of Humiliation", a collection of stories from my life. Unfortunately I have misplaced them. I wrote another few pieces called "Newsance". Bearing in mind it was 2002 when written, I still think it stands up as a funny bit of nonsense. I found them when I moved house last year, and will re-type one out. There are 3 altogether. They are obviously heavily influenced by the TV work of Chris Morris, notably "The Day Today" and "Brasseye". If you've never seen it, definitely give it a go. Anyway, onward.....
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS AN ABSOLUTE PACK OF LIES, THE FINEST WORK OF FICTION SINCE THE BIBLE. IT CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE, NUDITY (WELL, NOT NUDITY), AND PLACES GRAPHIC IMAGES IN YOUR MIND OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO, LET'S BE HONEST, NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN A NOTCH. IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU, KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF.
One of my side-projects is surfing the internet for various news stories which I find interesting, relaying them in the hope that you find them interesting too. Like a big Fact Zeppelin I trawl the skies of reason, felching out the best newsbirds from around the Globe. I am the pilot. I will take you to another place. A place called NEWSANCE.
NEWSANCE - ISSUE 1 - 14 June 2002, 15:00
Hello you, and welcome to the first issue of your new bible. Chuck out that old rag you call the tabloid, clean your arse with the drivel you call a broadsheet, and pay attention.
The first article is from the website www.crabspoonfishwick.co.uk. It's a nice little site, and has a well-presented picture of Margaret Thatcher, William Hague, and a Mountain Goat. Think of it as a graphic 3-way anim-orgy.
BIBLE "AS MUCH USE AS SECOND HAND TOILET ROLL" SAYS CARDINAL
An amazing claim has emanated from the stomach of the Vatican today which is certain to leave the Catholic and Christian worlds in shattered piece-frags. Cardinal Roberto Butafuchio, after a meeting with The Pope, left the Vatican shouting about how he would "stab Jesus in the twat, and bash the Pope's arse til it was blue". And while getting in his car, mumbled he wanted "steak for tea, and a dog to kick around the house".
So what had taken place in the meeting. We at Crabspoon don't take Catholic disgrace lightly, so went looking for the Cardinal, determined to break the teeth of doubt from the mouth of truth.....with a toffee hammer.
Currently in hiding from the Vatican Mafia, we met at a secret hiding place, in Bristol. The interview was shocking and brought everyone involved to the point of defacation.
Crabspoon - So then Cardinal, what was that all about? The Vatican is in chaos. We've got priests around the world stabbing themselves with Crucifixes. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
Cardinal - It's not my fault. They forced me into this position. I didn't want to do it. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!
Crab - Come on now Cardinal, pull yourself together. We've got church smashing in London, and a man in Leeds has just buggered and set fire to a nun. You will be blamed if we don't get answers!
Card - Ok, Ok. I'll talk. I would ask God to help me through, but there truth is.....there isn't a God. The man who lives in Heaven is actually a raving bender named Justin, and he's been botting people for years!
Crab - So really you're saying the Church is nothing but a cover up for Gay operations?
Card - Errmmmmmm
Crab - We'll take that as a yes! Thanks for talking to us.
after that shocking interview, we went to press. The facts below are just another shot of heroin, into the arm of justice. With each shot further condemning the Catholic Church.
FACT - A church in Beston-upon-Wells carries out Baptisms. FINE! But not when you find out that baby's head is splashed not by water, but by the jism of Christ's cock!
FACT - We bury our dead in the yeards of the church. But we didn't know til now that after dark Priests feast on the maggot-infested bodies of our since departed loved ones. They are then sold on the internet to Japanese Businessmen and told "they aren't dead, just a bit groggy".
FACT - Priests have 2 arms, just like me and you, and your cat. WROOOOOONNNNG!!! They have a third arm hidden beneath their tunic. It protrudes from the knee and is referred to as "God's Little Tickler", and is used to fondle an alter boy's bell-piece til they jub their liquid silk on the organ player's face!
With the Pope now in hiding, and the Church falling to pieces, we hope this is the final nail in the Crucifix of Christianity.
That was the finest article we found this week at Newsance, and the sort of calibre you can expect to find every week. We will bring your the truth, while the rest of the World will only bring you sodomised pigeons, carrying falsehood.
Other headlines found on our browser this week:
"MAN DRUNK ON JELLY-BEANS KILLS COW" The Sun
"USA IN FISH EXCREMENT WATER VIRUS" The Mirror
"ESTHER RANTZEN IN BIRTHGIVING GHOST TWAT SCANDAL" The People
"LOCAL MAN REPLACES LOLLYPOP IN CHILD'S HAND WITH TURD ON A STICK" The Lancashire Bibliophile
"TABLOIDS CLEAN YOUR ARSE BETTER THAN A KLEENEX MOIST TISSUE, CLAIMS EDITOR OF THE TIMES" The Independant
Join us again at Newsance as we try to govern the mad mistress that is News.
NOW GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAND BEFORE I BASH YOU WITH A HORSES CHOPPER!
Needless to say, I was a bored and disturbed youngster...
One thing I worked on was called "The Book of Humiliation", a collection of stories from my life. Unfortunately I have misplaced them. I wrote another few pieces called "Newsance". Bearing in mind it was 2002 when written, I still think it stands up as a funny bit of nonsense. I found them when I moved house last year, and will re-type one out. There are 3 altogether. They are obviously heavily influenced by the TV work of Chris Morris, notably "The Day Today" and "Brasseye". If you've never seen it, definitely give it a go. Anyway, onward.....
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS AN ABSOLUTE PACK OF LIES, THE FINEST WORK OF FICTION SINCE THE BIBLE. IT CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE, NUDITY (WELL, NOT NUDITY), AND PLACES GRAPHIC IMAGES IN YOUR MIND OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO, LET'S BE HONEST, NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN A NOTCH. IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU, KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF.
One of my side-projects is surfing the internet for various news stories which I find interesting, relaying them in the hope that you find them interesting too. Like a big Fact Zeppelin I trawl the skies of reason, felching out the best newsbirds from around the Globe. I am the pilot. I will take you to another place. A place called NEWSANCE.
NEWSANCE - ISSUE 1 - 14 June 2002, 15:00
Hello you, and welcome to the first issue of your new bible. Chuck out that old rag you call the tabloid, clean your arse with the drivel you call a broadsheet, and pay attention.
The first article is from the website www.crabspoonfishwick.co.uk. It's a nice little site, and has a well-presented picture of Margaret Thatcher, William Hague, and a Mountain Goat. Think of it as a graphic 3-way anim-orgy.
BIBLE "AS MUCH USE AS SECOND HAND TOILET ROLL" SAYS CARDINAL
An amazing claim has emanated from the stomach of the Vatican today which is certain to leave the Catholic and Christian worlds in shattered piece-frags. Cardinal Roberto Butafuchio, after a meeting with The Pope, left the Vatican shouting about how he would "stab Jesus in the twat, and bash the Pope's arse til it was blue". And while getting in his car, mumbled he wanted "steak for tea, and a dog to kick around the house".
So what had taken place in the meeting. We at Crabspoon don't take Catholic disgrace lightly, so went looking for the Cardinal, determined to break the teeth of doubt from the mouth of truth.....with a toffee hammer.
Currently in hiding from the Vatican Mafia, we met at a secret hiding place, in Bristol. The interview was shocking and brought everyone involved to the point of defacation.
Crabspoon - So then Cardinal, what was that all about? The Vatican is in chaos. We've got priests around the world stabbing themselves with Crucifixes. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
Cardinal - It's not my fault. They forced me into this position. I didn't want to do it. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!
Crab - Come on now Cardinal, pull yourself together. We've got church smashing in London, and a man in Leeds has just buggered and set fire to a nun. You will be blamed if we don't get answers!
Card - Ok, Ok. I'll talk. I would ask God to help me through, but there truth is.....there isn't a God. The man who lives in Heaven is actually a raving bender named Justin, and he's been botting people for years!
Crab - So really you're saying the Church is nothing but a cover up for Gay operations?
Card - Errmmmmmm
Crab - We'll take that as a yes! Thanks for talking to us.
after that shocking interview, we went to press. The facts below are just another shot of heroin, into the arm of justice. With each shot further condemning the Catholic Church.
FACT - A church in Beston-upon-Wells carries out Baptisms. FINE! But not when you find out that baby's head is splashed not by water, but by the jism of Christ's cock!
FACT - We bury our dead in the yeards of the church. But we didn't know til now that after dark Priests feast on the maggot-infested bodies of our since departed loved ones. They are then sold on the internet to Japanese Businessmen and told "they aren't dead, just a bit groggy".
FACT - Priests have 2 arms, just like me and you, and your cat. WROOOOOONNNNG!!! They have a third arm hidden beneath their tunic. It protrudes from the knee and is referred to as "God's Little Tickler", and is used to fondle an alter boy's bell-piece til they jub their liquid silk on the organ player's face!
With the Pope now in hiding, and the Church falling to pieces, we hope this is the final nail in the Crucifix of Christianity.
That was the finest article we found this week at Newsance, and the sort of calibre you can expect to find every week. We will bring your the truth, while the rest of the World will only bring you sodomised pigeons, carrying falsehood.
Other headlines found on our browser this week:
"MAN DRUNK ON JELLY-BEANS KILLS COW" The Sun
"USA IN FISH EXCREMENT WATER VIRUS" The Mirror
"ESTHER RANTZEN IN BIRTHGIVING GHOST TWAT SCANDAL" The People
"LOCAL MAN REPLACES LOLLYPOP IN CHILD'S HAND WITH TURD ON A STICK" The Lancashire Bibliophile
"TABLOIDS CLEAN YOUR ARSE BETTER THAN A KLEENEX MOIST TISSUE, CLAIMS EDITOR OF THE TIMES" The Independant
Join us again at Newsance as we try to govern the mad mistress that is News.
NOW GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAND BEFORE I BASH YOU WITH A HORSES CHOPPER!
Needless to say, I was a bored and disturbed youngster...
Picture Perfect...with BuckshotGeorge!!!
It probably was taken without too much thought. From a camera phone. The bed behind her was a little messy, but in an endearing way. Her hair was pinned up, and you could just about see a couple of big beautiful blue eyes peering over the top of the camera
The dress was spectacular, off-white, green stems leading to vibrant pink and red flowers, matching the tone of her skin. It fit perfectly, hugging a 1960's style figure but slimmer (can you tell I've been watching a lot of Mad Men recently?). It went down to the knee, two dainty legs protruding from the bottom. The hips were possibly the best thing about the look. Not just because I have a little thing for hips, they just fit the dress so well. The kind you want to put your hands on while leaning in for a kiss. The bow tied around pulling in the waist only accentuated them further. The light from the window reflects off her right side, shining brilliantly, while the left side is very much shadowed. While appreciating the view you can't help feel that this dress and this girl were meant for each other, like two twins seperated at birth, if one of the twins was made out of material rather than skin and bone. A dress like this gives the impression that the girl is stylish, elegant, pretty. But a man knows there is something going on underneath, and they would sell their own grandmother to find out.
A perfect picture of a perfect girl. I slept well last night.
The dress was spectacular, off-white, green stems leading to vibrant pink and red flowers, matching the tone of her skin. It fit perfectly, hugging a 1960's style figure but slimmer (can you tell I've been watching a lot of Mad Men recently?). It went down to the knee, two dainty legs protruding from the bottom. The hips were possibly the best thing about the look. Not just because I have a little thing for hips, they just fit the dress so well. The kind you want to put your hands on while leaning in for a kiss. The bow tied around pulling in the waist only accentuated them further. The light from the window reflects off her right side, shining brilliantly, while the left side is very much shadowed. While appreciating the view you can't help feel that this dress and this girl were meant for each other, like two twins seperated at birth, if one of the twins was made out of material rather than skin and bone. A dress like this gives the impression that the girl is stylish, elegant, pretty. But a man knows there is something going on underneath, and they would sell their own grandmother to find out.
A perfect picture of a perfect girl. I slept well last night.
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