I have been in full-time work with the same employer for over 11 years. I started as a receptionist/admin assistant. For a young lad, the money was good and it certainly wasn't too stretching. It gave me time to write a few things. I would email them to my friends for their amusement. And just to be clear, in case anyone from my work reads this, they were all done during my lunch break (NOT when it was boring on reception).
One thing I worked on was called "The Book of Humiliation", a collection of stories from my life. Unfortunately I have misplaced them. I wrote another few pieces called "Newsance". Bearing in mind it was 2002 when written, I still think it stands up as a funny bit of nonsense. I found them when I moved house last year, and will re-type one out. There are 3 altogether. They are obviously heavily influenced by the TV work of Chris Morris, notably "The Day Today" and "Brasseye". If you've never seen it, definitely give it a go. Anyway, onward.....
DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS AN ABSOLUTE PACK OF LIES, THE FINEST WORK OF FICTION SINCE THE BIBLE. IT CONTAINS FOUL LANGUAGE, NUDITY (WELL, NOT NUDITY), AND PLACES GRAPHIC IMAGES IN YOUR MIND OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO, LET'S BE HONEST, NEED TO BE TAKEN DOWN A NOTCH. IF ANY OF THIS OFFENDS YOU, KINDLY GO FUCK YOURSELF.
One of my side-projects is surfing the internet for various news stories which I find interesting, relaying them in the hope that you find them interesting too. Like a big Fact Zeppelin I trawl the skies of reason, felching out the best newsbirds from around the Globe. I am the pilot. I will take you to another place. A place called NEWSANCE.
NEWSANCE - ISSUE 1 - 14 June 2002, 15:00
Hello you, and welcome to the first issue of your new bible. Chuck out that old rag you call the tabloid, clean your arse with the drivel you call a broadsheet, and pay attention.
The first article is from the website www.crabspoonfishwick.co.uk. It's a nice little site, and has a well-presented picture of Margaret Thatcher, William Hague, and a Mountain Goat. Think of it as a graphic 3-way anim-orgy.
BIBLE "AS MUCH USE AS SECOND HAND TOILET ROLL" SAYS CARDINAL
An amazing claim has emanated from the stomach of the Vatican today which is certain to leave the Catholic and Christian worlds in shattered piece-frags. Cardinal Roberto Butafuchio, after a meeting with The Pope, left the Vatican shouting about how he would "stab Jesus in the twat, and bash the Pope's arse til it was blue". And while getting in his car, mumbled he wanted "steak for tea, and a dog to kick around the house".
So what had taken place in the meeting. We at Crabspoon don't take Catholic disgrace lightly, so went looking for the Cardinal, determined to break the teeth of doubt from the mouth of truth.....with a toffee hammer.
Currently in hiding from the Vatican Mafia, we met at a secret hiding place, in Bristol. The interview was shocking and brought everyone involved to the point of defacation.
Crabspoon - So then Cardinal, what was that all about? The Vatican is in chaos. We've got priests around the world stabbing themselves with Crucifixes. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???
Cardinal - It's not my fault. They forced me into this position. I didn't want to do it. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!
Crab - Come on now Cardinal, pull yourself together. We've got church smashing in London, and a man in Leeds has just buggered and set fire to a nun. You will be blamed if we don't get answers!
Card - Ok, Ok. I'll talk. I would ask God to help me through, but there truth is.....there isn't a God. The man who lives in Heaven is actually a raving bender named Justin, and he's been botting people for years!
Crab - So really you're saying the Church is nothing but a cover up for Gay operations?
Card - Errmmmmmm
Crab - We'll take that as a yes! Thanks for talking to us.
after that shocking interview, we went to press. The facts below are just another shot of heroin, into the arm of justice. With each shot further condemning the Catholic Church.
FACT - A church in Beston-upon-Wells carries out Baptisms. FINE! But not when you find out that baby's head is splashed not by water, but by the jism of Christ's cock!
FACT - We bury our dead in the yeards of the church. But we didn't know til now that after dark Priests feast on the maggot-infested bodies of our since departed loved ones. They are then sold on the internet to Japanese Businessmen and told "they aren't dead, just a bit groggy".
FACT - Priests have 2 arms, just like me and you, and your cat. WROOOOOONNNNG!!! They have a third arm hidden beneath their tunic. It protrudes from the knee and is referred to as "God's Little Tickler", and is used to fondle an alter boy's bell-piece til they jub their liquid silk on the organ player's face!
With the Pope now in hiding, and the Church falling to pieces, we hope this is the final nail in the Crucifix of Christianity.
That was the finest article we found this week at Newsance, and the sort of calibre you can expect to find every week. We will bring your the truth, while the rest of the World will only bring you sodomised pigeons, carrying falsehood.
Other headlines found on our browser this week:
"MAN DRUNK ON JELLY-BEANS KILLS COW" The Sun
"USA IN FISH EXCREMENT WATER VIRUS" The Mirror
"ESTHER RANTZEN IN BIRTHGIVING GHOST TWAT SCANDAL" The People
"LOCAL MAN REPLACES LOLLYPOP IN CHILD'S HAND WITH TURD ON A STICK" The Lancashire Bibliophile
"TABLOIDS CLEAN YOUR ARSE BETTER THAN A KLEENEX MOIST TISSUE, CLAIMS EDITOR OF THE TIMES" The Independant
Join us again at Newsance as we try to govern the mad mistress that is News.
NOW GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAND BEFORE I BASH YOU WITH A HORSES CHOPPER!
Needless to say, I was a bored and disturbed youngster...
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