I had been for a night out with friends in Sunderland. Although I've had many memorable nights there, most of which I can't remember, it's more than a little uncomfortable. Always has an edge to it, like the alcohol fuelled angry mob are just looking for an excuse to fight like dogs. Fortunately I'm always quite aware of such things and manage to avoid potential problems.
I went to a pizza takeaway for some greasy bait before heading to my taxi. As I opened the door to exit I walked straight into her. I instincitvely apologised before realising who it was. Fiona.
I got her number on my 22nd birthday. A day out which resulted in me being arrested for being too drunk, one of only two times I have fell foul of the law. On the 18th September we had our first date, a trip to the cinema. She wasn't amazingly attractive, and I found her more than a little annoying. But I persued regardless. Up until that point I wasn't particularly interested in a girlfriend. The 4 years prior had seen many, many nights out. Lots of drinks, lots of fun. And I'm a little ashamed now to say that I viewed women as just something to do after the nightclubs closed. I'm glad that my last 7, nearly 8 years have given me reason to treat them with a grand deal more respect. I can only explain it as she was in the right place at the right time. Or given how it ended, possibly the wrong place at the wrong time. We were together for 2 and a half years. We should've been together around 2 months. However with no real experience of a proper long term relationship I continued through the bickering and annoyance because I simply thought "this is it, this is how things must be". Our break up was nothing short of horrendous, alcohol again playing an active role (I should probably be banned from drinking, especially on all-day sessions), but that is definitely another story for another time.
A couple of hours after bumping into her that night, I got a series of text messages from a mutual "friend", which detailed how much happier she was without me, how my new girlfriend was a slut, and how her new boyfriend "wasn't happy with me". I'm intelligent enough to seperate truth from bullshit, and I simply laughed it off. But it goes to show what type of person she was. A good year or so later I bumped into her again, this time in a bar in Newcastle. I was having a great night, and after a brief moment of awkwardness, we got talking. I had grown up significantly since we split, which showed part of the way through our conversation when she asked "why do you speak all posh and use big words now". The thick fucker. You could tell, even after all that time, that she was still bitter about me, how I wasn't affected by our break up, but she showed a surprsing amount of class. Until later in the evening when she sent a friend over to me with the sole purpose of telling me that she had slept with one of my best friends after we broke up. Although shocked, I remained composed, and laughed it off. Again, it just went to show the person she was, which further clarified the reasons why I should never have been with her.
The whole reason I'm writing now is due to sleeping block. Which seems to cure my writer's block (not that I'm saying I am a writer, you understand). The reason I'm not sleeping is because there is something on my mind. Fiona let her bitterness get the better of her. Am I any better?
Instead of bitterness, I have insecurity. It seems to give me free reign to question everything about my life in a very negative way. It leads to my brain being full of potential consequences that are never going to happen. It mostly leads me to being extremely unhappy. Which results in a very "emo" blog, when really I should just be sleeping peacefully. The question is do I continue as I am, potentially ruining everything I have, and everything it could lead to in the future?
The answer is in my blog title.....
Friday, 30 July 2010
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Fresh Eyes...with BuckshotGeorge!!!
So my drunken state and sheer laziness mean I will be re-posting an old blog. It's a good one though. Shows what a difference time can make...
Quite a few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, Jasmine (which reminds me, I must update my intro). We had been together 4 and a half years, but we had significant problems which weren;t getting any better. We were at a stage where we were going to move in together, but that would've only magnified the problems further. So I made a decision to end the relationship before it got to that point, as if we had taken that step, it would've been a whole lot messier.
It was a devastating experience, breaking the heart of someone you love. Watching their facial expression drop, and watching the tears fall, knowing that you are the cause of it. In spite of that, I felt that I was coping well. I'm a happy person, and dealt with it with a positive perspective, as I believed, and still do, that it was the right thing to do.
Over the last month or so, I've been thinking about her a lot. Wondering how she is, how her family is, just missing her, basically. This afternoon, after clearing my room, I found a shoebox filled with all the cards, notes, and letters she ever wrote to me. Experiences came to me from the times when I first read them, just flooded back in the best possible way. I looked up, and noticed that the montage of photos she made me for my birthday a few years ago is still up on the wall. I mean, I obviously knew it was there previously, but it had never made me think about why it was still there, months down the line after we split. I guess I'm just not ready to move on, just yet.
Even after all my thoughts of her today, I still believe I did the right thing. As much as I love her, she is going to have a better life without me, eventually.
So, as a quick fix, I would be much happier in a relationship. Having someone there to share your life, your experiences, someone to hold, and someone to hold you back, is a heart-warming feeling that cannot be matched. However, the whole complexity that comes with the relationship can lead to it's downfall. So, ultimately, I am happier being single. Being single means there are no constraints on your time. Money permitting, you can do what you like, when you like. Being single means that I will never have to disappoint my girlfriend ever again, and staying single will ensure that, while I may not have the overwhelming happiness of the love of my girlfriend, I don't have to go through the most unhappy experience of my life, ever again.
I wrote that last year. Although it still reads well and a lot of it is still true, there are things I would like to change...
It took a while to move on, even though I was the one doing the breaking, and I still believe it was the right thing to do. The more I look back on it, the more I know I did the right thing.
I have changed my mind about the last paragraph though. My year of being single has been great. I have great memories and it's been fun. but just because ending this relationship was awful does not mean I shouldnt try again. I believe I can be the best boyfriend in the World, and there was plenty of times with Jasmine when I wasn't. the opportunity to rectify my wrongs and do things differently, now that is something special. Finding someone who is far better suited to me than she ever was, that is something rare. Relationships don't have to fail. They can be amazing, and they can last. The failed relationships are just experience, enough to ensure we don;t make the same mistakes again. And the next time, it will work out. I believe this time, it will work out.
Goodnight.
Quite a few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend, Jasmine (which reminds me, I must update my intro). We had been together 4 and a half years, but we had significant problems which weren;t getting any better. We were at a stage where we were going to move in together, but that would've only magnified the problems further. So I made a decision to end the relationship before it got to that point, as if we had taken that step, it would've been a whole lot messier.
It was a devastating experience, breaking the heart of someone you love. Watching their facial expression drop, and watching the tears fall, knowing that you are the cause of it. In spite of that, I felt that I was coping well. I'm a happy person, and dealt with it with a positive perspective, as I believed, and still do, that it was the right thing to do.
Over the last month or so, I've been thinking about her a lot. Wondering how she is, how her family is, just missing her, basically. This afternoon, after clearing my room, I found a shoebox filled with all the cards, notes, and letters she ever wrote to me. Experiences came to me from the times when I first read them, just flooded back in the best possible way. I looked up, and noticed that the montage of photos she made me for my birthday a few years ago is still up on the wall. I mean, I obviously knew it was there previously, but it had never made me think about why it was still there, months down the line after we split. I guess I'm just not ready to move on, just yet.
Even after all my thoughts of her today, I still believe I did the right thing. As much as I love her, she is going to have a better life without me, eventually.
So, as a quick fix, I would be much happier in a relationship. Having someone there to share your life, your experiences, someone to hold, and someone to hold you back, is a heart-warming feeling that cannot be matched. However, the whole complexity that comes with the relationship can lead to it's downfall. So, ultimately, I am happier being single. Being single means there are no constraints on your time. Money permitting, you can do what you like, when you like. Being single means that I will never have to disappoint my girlfriend ever again, and staying single will ensure that, while I may not have the overwhelming happiness of the love of my girlfriend, I don't have to go through the most unhappy experience of my life, ever again.
I wrote that last year. Although it still reads well and a lot of it is still true, there are things I would like to change...
It took a while to move on, even though I was the one doing the breaking, and I still believe it was the right thing to do. The more I look back on it, the more I know I did the right thing.
I have changed my mind about the last paragraph though. My year of being single has been great. I have great memories and it's been fun. but just because ending this relationship was awful does not mean I shouldnt try again. I believe I can be the best boyfriend in the World, and there was plenty of times with Jasmine when I wasn't. the opportunity to rectify my wrongs and do things differently, now that is something special. Finding someone who is far better suited to me than she ever was, that is something rare. Relationships don't have to fail. They can be amazing, and they can last. The failed relationships are just experience, enough to ensure we don;t make the same mistakes again. And the next time, it will work out. I believe this time, it will work out.
Goodnight.
Wednesday, 28 July 2010
New Start...with BuckshotGeorgeX
People write blogs for a host of different reasons, and let's be honest here, it's very arrogant. We assume that our thoughts are so important that we post them to the World. It's ok, I'm the first to admit I can be very arrogant at times.
Personally, I write blogs because it helps. It amuses me. It amuses others.
I will be mostly just linking this to Twitter and Facebook. If you are my "friend" on there, Herro!
If you don't know me that well, here is a short description. It's mainly stolen from my GTP account intro (gamertagpics.com). Updated and tweaked slightly.
Hello you beautiful person, my name is BuckshotGeorge. You may call me Bucky. You may call me anything you want, as long as I can't hear you. A few interesting snippets about myself.....
My real name is Anthony. You may use that name if you wish, but doesn't Bucky just sound a little more fun? I think so too. A college lecturer once called me "Tony". It was amusing, but I didn't really like it. I got over it though, as the lecturer in question looks like Mrs Doubtfire.
I am currently 29 years old. That number goes up once a year, doesn't yours? I do not like the fact that I'm getting older, but I feel like every day I age, I become a better person. So there's a question: Do I wish to get younger, but be an idiot. Or grow old gracefully and be the World's greatest living person (in my own bedroom)???
I tread a fine line between self-appreciation and self-deprecation, self-loving and self-loathing, supreme confidence and crippling self-doubt.
I am in a new relationship. It's fun. Hopefully, one day it will progress to the following stages: I am in a relationship. I am in a loving relationship. I am engaged. I am married. I am a father. I am ready to shoot myself in the face as I'm now divorced, too old, fat, and weird to try again while my ex is ruining my life by moving on quickly and taking all my money and all I can see is darkness. Ok, maybe I don't want that last part. Think I'm kidding about it, it happens. Just ask my poor step-father.
I love my Xbox 360. I play whatever games I can. My favourites are music based games. Guitar Hero and Rock Band are the titles you will see me playing the most. In multiplayer, it's hard to get past Modern Warfare 2, although I much prefer a strong single player campaign, that is everything it can be, without suffering because some half baked multiplayer was added at the last minute. Look at Bioshock, Oblivion, and Fallout 3, which are perfect examples of single player greatness.
I love music. As you read this, I will be listening to something. A few of my favourite bands are Jimmy Eat World, Taking Back Sunday, Fightstar, McFly, Avenged Sevenfold, among many, many others. I also think Electrchoc from GTA4 is so good, it's like musical milkshake!
I love Milkshakes. I will pay any reasonable price, for a great Milkshake. However, what is reasonable to me, may not be to someone else. There is a new milkshake bar in Newcastle, near the Quayside. They put chocolate bars, milk, and ice cream in a blender. And it's the most amazing taste on earth.
I love other types of food as well. Eating out, and getting takeaways, and being a fatty fatty boom boom.
I love my friends on Xbox Live. I keep my friends list trim, as I like to keep in touch with them. Ever wonder why some people are on your friends list, and you can gain no answer? Then the're not really friends, but passers by. There's nothing wrong with that, but having a full friends list on Live is not a sign of popularity, it's more a sign of ignorance. I could mention many names of people on here and Live who I think are the greatest people in the World. But I would hate to miss anyone out and hurt their feelings. Girls and Boys from my friends list, I salute you.
I am on Facebook and Twitter. (@BuckshotGeorgeX), and here is probably your best chance of a response if you contact me (except for Xbox Live, and possibly a knock off quality soft porn I was in a few years back. It was called "The Man with the World's Smallest Penis")
Well, that was emotional.....anything else you require, I am at your service and only a message away.
BuckshotGeorge's Intro - updated today (if you're viewing this on Wednesday 28 July 2010, if not, add the amount of days and that's how long ago it was)
So that is it for now. Thanks to Y2Kevin for the inspiration.
Personally, I write blogs because it helps. It amuses me. It amuses others.
I will be mostly just linking this to Twitter and Facebook. If you are my "friend" on there, Herro!
If you don't know me that well, here is a short description. It's mainly stolen from my GTP account intro (gamertagpics.com). Updated and tweaked slightly.
Hello you beautiful person, my name is BuckshotGeorge. You may call me Bucky. You may call me anything you want, as long as I can't hear you. A few interesting snippets about myself.....
My real name is Anthony. You may use that name if you wish, but doesn't Bucky just sound a little more fun? I think so too. A college lecturer once called me "Tony". It was amusing, but I didn't really like it. I got over it though, as the lecturer in question looks like Mrs Doubtfire.
I am currently 29 years old. That number goes up once a year, doesn't yours? I do not like the fact that I'm getting older, but I feel like every day I age, I become a better person. So there's a question: Do I wish to get younger, but be an idiot. Or grow old gracefully and be the World's greatest living person (in my own bedroom)???
I tread a fine line between self-appreciation and self-deprecation, self-loving and self-loathing, supreme confidence and crippling self-doubt.
I am in a new relationship. It's fun. Hopefully, one day it will progress to the following stages: I am in a relationship. I am in a loving relationship. I am engaged. I am married. I am a father. I am ready to shoot myself in the face as I'm now divorced, too old, fat, and weird to try again while my ex is ruining my life by moving on quickly and taking all my money and all I can see is darkness. Ok, maybe I don't want that last part. Think I'm kidding about it, it happens. Just ask my poor step-father.
I love my Xbox 360. I play whatever games I can. My favourites are music based games. Guitar Hero and Rock Band are the titles you will see me playing the most. In multiplayer, it's hard to get past Modern Warfare 2, although I much prefer a strong single player campaign, that is everything it can be, without suffering because some half baked multiplayer was added at the last minute. Look at Bioshock, Oblivion, and Fallout 3, which are perfect examples of single player greatness.
I love music. As you read this, I will be listening to something. A few of my favourite bands are Jimmy Eat World, Taking Back Sunday, Fightstar, McFly, Avenged Sevenfold, among many, many others. I also think Electrchoc from GTA4 is so good, it's like musical milkshake!
I love Milkshakes. I will pay any reasonable price, for a great Milkshake. However, what is reasonable to me, may not be to someone else. There is a new milkshake bar in Newcastle, near the Quayside. They put chocolate bars, milk, and ice cream in a blender. And it's the most amazing taste on earth.
I love other types of food as well. Eating out, and getting takeaways, and being a fatty fatty boom boom.
I love my friends on Xbox Live. I keep my friends list trim, as I like to keep in touch with them. Ever wonder why some people are on your friends list, and you can gain no answer? Then the're not really friends, but passers by. There's nothing wrong with that, but having a full friends list on Live is not a sign of popularity, it's more a sign of ignorance. I could mention many names of people on here and Live who I think are the greatest people in the World. But I would hate to miss anyone out and hurt their feelings. Girls and Boys from my friends list, I salute you.
I am on Facebook and Twitter. (@BuckshotGeorgeX), and here is probably your best chance of a response if you contact me (except for Xbox Live, and possibly a knock off quality soft porn I was in a few years back. It was called "The Man with the World's Smallest Penis")
Well, that was emotional.....anything else you require, I am at your service and only a message away.
BuckshotGeorge's Intro - updated today (if you're viewing this on Wednesday 28 July 2010, if not, add the amount of days and that's how long ago it was)
So that is it for now. Thanks to Y2Kevin for the inspiration.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)