Only If I Let It...with BuckshotGeorge!!!

I had been for a night out with friends in Sunderland. Although I've had many memorable nights there, most of which I can't remember, it's more than a little uncomfortable. Always has an edge to it, like the alcohol fuelled angry mob are just looking for an excuse to fight like dogs. Fortunately I'm always quite aware of such things and manage to avoid potential problems.

I went to a pizza takeaway for some greasy bait before heading to my taxi. As I opened the door to exit I walked straight into her. I instincitvely apologised before realising who it was. Fiona.

I got her number on my 22nd birthday. A day out which resulted in me being arrested for being too drunk, one of only two times I have fell foul of the law. On the 18th September we had our first date, a trip to the cinema. She wasn't amazingly attractive, and I found her more than a little annoying. But I persued regardless. Up until that point I wasn't particularly interested in a girlfriend. The 4 years prior had seen many, many nights out. Lots of drinks, lots of fun. And I'm a little ashamed now to say that I viewed women as just something to do after the nightclubs closed. I'm glad that my last 7, nearly 8 years have given me reason to treat them with a grand deal more respect. I can only explain it as she was in the right place at the right time. Or given how it ended, possibly the wrong place at the wrong time. We were together for 2 and a half years. We should've been together around 2 months. However with no real experience of a proper long term relationship I continued through the bickering and annoyance because I simply thought "this is it, this is how things must be". Our break up was nothing short of horrendous, alcohol again playing an active role (I should probably be banned from drinking, especially on all-day sessions), but that is definitely another story for another time.

A couple of hours after bumping into her that night, I got a series of text messages from a mutual "friend", which detailed how much happier she was without me, how my new girlfriend was a slut, and how her new boyfriend "wasn't happy with me". I'm intelligent enough to seperate truth from bullshit, and I simply laughed it off. But it goes to show what type of person she was. A good year or so later I bumped into her again, this time in a bar in Newcastle. I was having a great night, and after a brief moment of awkwardness, we got talking. I had grown up significantly since we split, which showed part of the way through our conversation when she asked "why do you speak all posh and use big words now". The thick fucker. You could tell, even after all that time, that she was still bitter about me, how I wasn't affected by our break up, but she showed a surprsing amount of class. Until later in the evening when she sent a friend over to me with the sole purpose of telling me that she had slept with one of my best friends after we broke up. Although shocked, I remained composed, and laughed it off. Again, it just went to show the person she was, which further clarified the reasons why I should never have been with her.

The whole reason I'm writing now is due to sleeping block. Which seems to cure my writer's block (not that I'm saying I am a writer, you understand). The reason I'm not sleeping is because there is something on my mind. Fiona let her bitterness get the better of her. Am I any better?

Instead of bitterness, I have insecurity. It seems to give me free reign to question everything about my life in a very negative way. It leads to my brain being full of potential consequences that are never going to happen. It mostly leads me to being extremely unhappy. Which results in a very "emo" blog, when really I should just be sleeping peacefully. The question is do I continue as I am, potentially ruining everything I have, and everything it could lead to in the future?

The answer is in my blog title.....